10 (not politically correct) Tips for a Happy Marriage
Lia, we've been talking about marriage and dating and relationships a lot (all your life). You've dreamt of being a wife more than you've dreamt of being a bride, which is good and is sort of not-exactly-common. As your mom, and as someone who was married once miserably and now is married blissfully, I want to break it down a little here. Just some of my mom-tips for a happy marriage. I'm not an expert, but I do know what's working for me and Selden, and I want to share those things with you. God has a good and perfect plan and a wonderful man (#rhyming) for your life. He's the final say and the ultimate voice of wisdom for you, but I like to think He's shown me a thing or two worth sharing.
Warning: This will sound very 1950's.
(In no particular order and in no way politically correct. But since when am I politically correct?)
1) Let your man spoil you. This has nothing to do with money or things, but it has everything to do with a generous heart position. The right man will delight in bringing you joy. Your best response to bless him is to bask in the happiness that generous spirit he's showing you brings to your life. He does it to see you smile, and when you acknowledge how much you appreciate him being so good to you, that's like a million gifts back. Plus God says it's more blessed to give than to receive, which means there is a pleasure in that giving and a blessing for him from not only you but from the Lord for his goodness toward you, and that's straight up awesome.
2) Pray. Write down the things you're praying for, and make little notes when you see God answering those prayers. Pray with the expectation that the right answer is on it's way even now. Pray for yourself to have a sensitive spirit to the voice of the Holy Spirit in you and for your man to hear God's leading also. Watch for prayerfulness in a man. Watch for the ability to humbly submit to other authorities and of course to the authority of God, because a man who submits to God is a man you can submit to.
3) Serve him with a glad heart. Your man will serve you in so many ways. He'll lay his life down for you daily, probably without fanfare and certainly in ways you'll never know before you get to heaven. He will make a habit of putting you and your family together first, and it will be normal to him. Make it normal to appreciate him in word and deed. Say wonderful things about him to other people, when he is and isn't nearby. Refill his dinner plate if he wants seconds. Tell him he's super hot and grab his butt a lot (after you're married). Check if it's fine to go out with the girls (even though you know he totally doesn't mind you ever going out with the girls), just so he knows that you don't take his support for granted. Wave goodbye with "I Love You Fingers" at every chance, just because it's cheesy-and-awesome.
4) Find your people. No person or couple can do life in isolation. You need your #squad. Get connected intentionally at church and find couples who are fun, and then do stuff. Do stuff all together. Do stuff just the girls. Encourage his time with his guy friends, when he has guys who build him up in Christ. Those relationships are really important. You've got to have people to do life with. If I've learned anything from my Mavens, it's that. Keep showing up. Invite people over and do whatever is easy - pizza, potluck, whatever. Men need other men and women need other women, and then we bring our best selves to our marriages. Your man cannot understand every single big feeling you will have, but your #squad of girls totally can. And his #darkhorse crew will understand his bewilderment. And together, it's all good.
5) Wait to have kids. Totally personal opinion, but I think it's great to give yourselves a year or two before kids. Because mark my words, babies change everything. They do cut into the "couple-ness" of your marriage, and that's a loss that you have to process. It's good and babies are amazing and so on and so forth. But your couple-ness is a really majorly cool thing. So enjoy it. Go on dates. Have romantic rendezvous. Go out spontaneously. Enjoy sleeping through the night. Appreciate your not-jacked-up hormones. Then, when it's time, enjoy those babies (and don't forget that you need to live near your mother, because I will be the Most Epic Meemaw of All Time).
6) Talk about money early and often. Though it's 100% not sexy, money is a total thing. Talk about it. Decide stuff. What do you think of debt? (My two-cents: RUN from debt, wait for stuff, and pay in cash.) Do you tithe? What about staying home when kids are born? Are you putting money in retirement (because that's super important to do early in life)? What will happen if friends or family ask to borrow money? Is one of you going to be the person who sits to do the monthly bills? How much will you each have for mad money each week? Do you need to discuss purchases over a certain amount?
7) Sex is good. Anything that good is worth waiting for, but because it's awesome, it's hard to wait. So don't do stupid things that put you in a position to make mistakes. To put it bluntly. Figure out the line ahead of time, and guard it fiercely. God forgives. People make mistakes. But the enemy will try to make you feel guilt and shame in any area of life where you step outside God's bounds for you, and being bombarded with guilt and shame sucks, so just don't give Satan the chance. Jesus took not only our sin but our guilt and shame when he died on the cross, but it will make your heart suffer if you make choices you regret down the road, and I never want you to ever suffer. And I want you to have the best sex life ever when you're married. Because God invented it for your enjoyment and all that jazz! (Sex advice for marriage: Do it a lot. Call it a "nap" until your kids are old enough to figure it out. It's fun, plus I hear it can make you look younger, and it burns calories. You're welcome!)
8) Laugh a whole lot. This is self-explanatory. But being able to laugh with each other, and at your own self, is a really helpful thing. Because life gets real. And sometimes you just need to laugh.
9) Never put the kids first. It's imperative to keep God first and to keep your marriage relationship right there in a close second. Your kids are like third... or fourth. (You need to have personal health and wellness as a priority, too.) Your kids need your marriage and your walk with God and your health to be solid, so they feel safe and their lives are good. Sage once said of me and Selden's marriage, "It's the promise that holds my life together." I couldn't say it better myself. Your kids have to see your marriage being first, because they will learn how to be a good spouse. They need to see you read your Bible and hear you pray, because they'll learn to put God first, too. One day those little buggers will be up and out, and you want to look at your husband and be excited for your next season of life together. Parenting can be hard on marriages if you let it. So guard the marriage fiercely, and let the kids get over themselves. Mom and Dad are INSEPARABLE.
10) Be vulnerable. Intimacy requires vulnerability. Your man will be strong enough to handle your truth, your big feelings (although some of them might require Mom or girlfriends, especially if they're hormonally-driven and pregnancy-related), your heart. You've been wounded by an important man in your life, and the Enemy wants to make you feel you should hold back a bit of yourself, to protect it. But that's not true. The healing and the wholeness are in giving over your whole self to Christ, and then opening your whole heart to the husband God has chosen and designed for you. God created marriage to be a living portrait of the relationship between himself and us, and even though it's a flawed picture because we're all flawed people, you can trust in the man God has for you.
I love you the most!
Love,
Mom
Warning: This will sound very 1950's.
(In no particular order and in no way politically correct. But since when am I politically correct?)
1) Let your man spoil you. This has nothing to do with money or things, but it has everything to do with a generous heart position. The right man will delight in bringing you joy. Your best response to bless him is to bask in the happiness that generous spirit he's showing you brings to your life. He does it to see you smile, and when you acknowledge how much you appreciate him being so good to you, that's like a million gifts back. Plus God says it's more blessed to give than to receive, which means there is a pleasure in that giving and a blessing for him from not only you but from the Lord for his goodness toward you, and that's straight up awesome.
2) Pray. Write down the things you're praying for, and make little notes when you see God answering those prayers. Pray with the expectation that the right answer is on it's way even now. Pray for yourself to have a sensitive spirit to the voice of the Holy Spirit in you and for your man to hear God's leading also. Watch for prayerfulness in a man. Watch for the ability to humbly submit to other authorities and of course to the authority of God, because a man who submits to God is a man you can submit to.
3) Serve him with a glad heart. Your man will serve you in so many ways. He'll lay his life down for you daily, probably without fanfare and certainly in ways you'll never know before you get to heaven. He will make a habit of putting you and your family together first, and it will be normal to him. Make it normal to appreciate him in word and deed. Say wonderful things about him to other people, when he is and isn't nearby. Refill his dinner plate if he wants seconds. Tell him he's super hot and grab his butt a lot (after you're married). Check if it's fine to go out with the girls (even though you know he totally doesn't mind you ever going out with the girls), just so he knows that you don't take his support for granted. Wave goodbye with "I Love You Fingers" at every chance, just because it's cheesy-and-awesome.
4) Find your people. No person or couple can do life in isolation. You need your #squad. Get connected intentionally at church and find couples who are fun, and then do stuff. Do stuff all together. Do stuff just the girls. Encourage his time with his guy friends, when he has guys who build him up in Christ. Those relationships are really important. You've got to have people to do life with. If I've learned anything from my Mavens, it's that. Keep showing up. Invite people over and do whatever is easy - pizza, potluck, whatever. Men need other men and women need other women, and then we bring our best selves to our marriages. Your man cannot understand every single big feeling you will have, but your #squad of girls totally can. And his #darkhorse crew will understand his bewilderment. And together, it's all good.
5) Wait to have kids. Totally personal opinion, but I think it's great to give yourselves a year or two before kids. Because mark my words, babies change everything. They do cut into the "couple-ness" of your marriage, and that's a loss that you have to process. It's good and babies are amazing and so on and so forth. But your couple-ness is a really majorly cool thing. So enjoy it. Go on dates. Have romantic rendezvous. Go out spontaneously. Enjoy sleeping through the night. Appreciate your not-jacked-up hormones. Then, when it's time, enjoy those babies (and don't forget that you need to live near your mother, because I will be the Most Epic Meemaw of All Time).
6) Talk about money early and often. Though it's 100% not sexy, money is a total thing. Talk about it. Decide stuff. What do you think of debt? (My two-cents: RUN from debt, wait for stuff, and pay in cash.) Do you tithe? What about staying home when kids are born? Are you putting money in retirement (because that's super important to do early in life)? What will happen if friends or family ask to borrow money? Is one of you going to be the person who sits to do the monthly bills? How much will you each have for mad money each week? Do you need to discuss purchases over a certain amount?
7) Sex is good. Anything that good is worth waiting for, but because it's awesome, it's hard to wait. So don't do stupid things that put you in a position to make mistakes. To put it bluntly. Figure out the line ahead of time, and guard it fiercely. God forgives. People make mistakes. But the enemy will try to make you feel guilt and shame in any area of life where you step outside God's bounds for you, and being bombarded with guilt and shame sucks, so just don't give Satan the chance. Jesus took not only our sin but our guilt and shame when he died on the cross, but it will make your heart suffer if you make choices you regret down the road, and I never want you to ever suffer. And I want you to have the best sex life ever when you're married. Because God invented it for your enjoyment and all that jazz! (Sex advice for marriage: Do it a lot. Call it a "nap" until your kids are old enough to figure it out. It's fun, plus I hear it can make you look younger, and it burns calories. You're welcome!)
8) Laugh a whole lot. This is self-explanatory. But being able to laugh with each other, and at your own self, is a really helpful thing. Because life gets real. And sometimes you just need to laugh.
9) Never put the kids first. It's imperative to keep God first and to keep your marriage relationship right there in a close second. Your kids are like third... or fourth. (You need to have personal health and wellness as a priority, too.) Your kids need your marriage and your walk with God and your health to be solid, so they feel safe and their lives are good. Sage once said of me and Selden's marriage, "It's the promise that holds my life together." I couldn't say it better myself. Your kids have to see your marriage being first, because they will learn how to be a good spouse. They need to see you read your Bible and hear you pray, because they'll learn to put God first, too. One day those little buggers will be up and out, and you want to look at your husband and be excited for your next season of life together. Parenting can be hard on marriages if you let it. So guard the marriage fiercely, and let the kids get over themselves. Mom and Dad are INSEPARABLE.
10) Be vulnerable. Intimacy requires vulnerability. Your man will be strong enough to handle your truth, your big feelings (although some of them might require Mom or girlfriends, especially if they're hormonally-driven and pregnancy-related), your heart. You've been wounded by an important man in your life, and the Enemy wants to make you feel you should hold back a bit of yourself, to protect it. But that's not true. The healing and the wholeness are in giving over your whole self to Christ, and then opening your whole heart to the husband God has chosen and designed for you. God created marriage to be a living portrait of the relationship between himself and us, and even though it's a flawed picture because we're all flawed people, you can trust in the man God has for you.
I love you the most!
Love,
Mom
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